How can I prepare myself for a competitive conversation?

In our Cooperative Communication group meetings, we have often talked about situations where we want to use cooperative communication, but the other person tends to use competitive communication. What if the other person is above me in the hierarchy at work and could punish me for saying or doing something that they don’t want? What if the other person is bigger and stronger than me and could physically hurt me? What if I lose my confidence in the conversation with them? What if I feel scared of communicating with them?

So that we could have some options for what to do in situations like this, we developed the following list of questions that we could ask ourselves before the conversation takes place:

  • What I am feeling now as I think about this conversation taking place at some point in the future?
  • Can I accept my feelings as they are? Can I take myself seriously?
  • What do I want as an outcome from this conversation?
  • What don’t I want as an outcome?
  • When is a good time/setting to approach the other person? (for example, one to one, or in a neutral place, or sitting eye-to-eye across from each other, or through email, or on the phone, etc.)
  • Do I want friends/colleagues/supporters with me during the conversation?
  • What is the worst thing that could happen, and could I “survive” that?
  • Will I to stick to my convictions/values, or am I willing to fall to their level?
  • What is realistic for me to expect as an outcome of this conversation?
  • Are my goals short term or long term? Do I have a maximum and a minimum goal?
  • Do I have a plan B (and C, and D ….)?
  • Is there a way that I could practice/role play before the meeting/conversation?

As we talked about our experiences with trying to communicate cooperatively with someone who wants to communication competitively, we noticed the feeling of powerlessness in us. As one member of our group said, “I might know the techniques of Cooperative Communication, but if I am feeling powerless, I might not find the courage to use the techniques. I might lose my confidence. I might not be able to think clearly, which happens when I am are feeling scared, angry, or sad.

After this comment, another member of the group said, “Maybe the key in dealing with someone who has power over me is to find my own power, however small that power may seem. I am never really powerless. I always have options. I just feel powerless. If I can remember and practice in advance some of my options, then I will feel more powerful.”