Talking About Sex Cooperatively with a Partner Who is Behaving Competitively

Scene: at home, evening, sitting on the couch, each looking at their laptops

A: and B: (A: cold atmosphere between them. A:bout a meter between them)

A: (still looking at laptop screen) (simmering angry voice) It has been 4 weeks since we had sex. When we first starting dating, we had sex all the time. And you never want sex with me. What is wrong with you?

B: (silent)

A: Don’t you have anything to say? 

B: I guess I am tired

A: You said that last week, and the week before ….

B: Well, it’s true, I am tired

A: (accusing voice) But why? Why are you tired?

B: I don’t know, I just am.

A: Let’s try right now. Let’s go to bed. You seem awake right now.

B: Wait a minute. Please slow down. I will be honest with you. I am tired, but there is more.  The way you want to have sex is … it doesn’t excite me anymore.  You want to get wild and play with sex toys and have several orgasms.  And that is not what I want.  I want to feel connected to you, and I want to feel that you want to have sex with me. 

A: I do have lots of energy in bed, and I do like having orgasms. I am wild in bed, yes! At first, you liked that. You have changed. What is wrong with you?

B: You are right, I did like it at first, I had never been with someone like you. I was interested, because it was new. But after a while, it stopped being interesting. It got predictable. And I realized I was having sex with you on your terms to please you. And I didn’t tell you what I wanted. Now I am telling you – I want to feel connected to you.

A: Huh? Feel connected? What does that mean? 

B: I am not sure that I can explain that to you right now. I just know that the wild sex that you want is not what I want.

A: hmmm. So what are you going to do about this?

B: For me, the question isn’t what I am going to do about this … although I already have done something by telling you that I don’t like the kind of sexual relationship we have right now. The question for me is, what are we going to do about this.

A: (expressing some anger and surprise) I have to change?

B: I think we both do.