Scene: a meeting in the manager’s office

A: (talking to self, before entering the manager’s office:  I feel so insecure at work.  I think I am an imposter, that I am not really good enough for this job: The manager of my manager says that I have potential and seems to believe in me, but my direct manager almost never gives me any praise and instead criticizes my work. I am angry with my manager, who doesn’t realize that I am working hard. I am not alone in this company; there are others like me who are working hard but feel insecure, doubt our ability, and think we are imposters. My manager doesn’t have any understanding of what it is like for us to have these feelings and thoughts about ourselves. I would like to confront my manager, but I am scared to do that. Still … maybe I will try …)

B: (busy, distracted with papers on her desk, focused on getting this meeting done as fast as possible, looks at watch and not at A) Yes, come in. Sit down. You made an appointment to meet with me. What do you want?

A: I see that you are really busy and I won’t take much of your time.

B: I hope not, I have a lot to do. What is this meeting about?

A: I would like to get your support on something, but I am feeling nervous about asking you for support.

B: Feeling nervous will not help you here. And you have no reason to be nervous. I support you already, as long as you get your work done.

A: I want to be honest with you. (deep breath) You tell me that you support me as long as I get my work done. I do my work, but you seldom tell me what I have done well, most of the time you criticize my work. And that is de-motivating for me

B: (with some frustration in her voice) When I give you feedback about how you can improve your work, I do that to motivate you! That is the way things are done here in this company!

A: (slowly finding her voice and confidence) I realize that that is how things are done with some or many of the employees here, but there are people like me who work hard, but who are not motivated through criticism. People like me need a mix of praise and helpful feedback.

B: Well, you are not going to get that from me! And I don’t think it makes any difference if like or don’t the way things are done here. You are paid to get your job done. And my job is to make sure you get your job done.

A: Okay, that is clear. I realize I won’t get the kind of feedback from you that I need. I will not take up any more of your time today. I do have a request however … I would like you to think if you really want to have me in your team. If you don’t please let me know so that I can explore my options for working here.

B: That sounds like a threat!

A: No, I am being honest with you, in the way that you were honest with me. You told me that you are not going to support me in the way that I need, so that I can perform at a higher level. I am simply telling you what I am not willing to do, which is work in an environment that doesn’t feel supportive to me.

One last thought, I would like you to consider: if I am performing at a higher level, it will reflect well on you as my manager.

B: (silent, looks at papers on desk)

A: thank you for your time, your honest, and your clarity.