Cooperative Communication is a process in which 2 or more people interact, with the goal of each person getting their needs met. In contrast, competitive communication is a process where one person tries to get their needs met (“wins”) at the expense of the other person (who “loses”).

You could also say, in Cooperative Communication, the goal is that everyone wins, that we treat each other with respect and equality. In Competitive Communication, the goal is to establish who is right and wrong, superior and inferior. There are winners and losers.  The problem is, even if you win, you probably have to worry about getting “beaten” by the person who lost, because they might have a desire to get revenge for their feeling hurt by you.  And, our experience is that communicating cooperatively is a much more efficient way to get our needs met.  Competition can cost a lot of energy and wasted effort.

When using Cooperative Communication, you “contract” (make agreements) before each interaction.  For example, I say to someone, “Can I ask you a question?” … and I wait for a “yes”or “no” before asking my question.  Or I say, “Would you be willing to listen to my feelings?” … and I wait for a “yes” or “no” before I tell the other person what I are feeling.  Each interaction is “finished” before the next one is started.

Cooperative behaviors include sharing information about me and asking the other person to share information about them. We share and ask about

what I/you

• feel (expressing emotions)
• do not want (to talk about, to experience, to share)
• want (to talk about, to experience, to share)
• appreciate in me and/or you.

In Cooperative Communication, each person is 100% responsible getting their own needs met.  If I don’t want something, I need to learn to say “no.”  If I want something, I need to learn to tell you what I want. If the other person asked me to do something for them, I simply respond with “yes”, “no”, or “I will think about it”

Competitive behaviors include

• intimidating, forcing the other to do what you want them to do
• intentionally ignoring the other person or changing the subject abruptly, without finishing the interaction you are in
• reframing the others’ words to fit your needs (“putting words in their mouth”)
• telling the other person what (you believe) they are really feeling, thinking, etc.
• blaming, judging, calling the other person names
• trying to give someone something that they don’t need or want
• exaggerating/dramatizing (“you broke my heart when you … “  “I will die if you… “) instead of simply describing what you are feeling and thinking  (However:  this might be an attempt to express feelings using a metaphor)
• dwelling in the past, bringing up again and again old situations instead of resolving the old situations and dealing with new situations now.
• discounting what the other person says is “true” from their perspective (“that is not what happened …” “you can’t possibly believe that!” “that is silly to feel that way”

Deciding to use cooperative communication with someone

If I want to use cooperative communication in one or more of my relationships, I can ask the other person to agree to do the following with me:

• We appreciate each other and ourselves
• We express our feelings, with awareness that they are our feelings
• We express our thoughts with awareness that they are our thoughts
• We tell each other what we don’t want to do
• We tell each other what we do want to do
• We listen to, and accept as “true” what the other person says

We also agree to avoid using any of the competitive behaviors listed above.

If we are tempted to act competitively, we agree to step back, pause, and say nothing until we relax and can think clearly.   Then we agree to use one of the cooperative behaviors to express our thoughts and feelings, and to ask for what we want, and to say what we don’t want.