The Cooperative Contract

Jo and Mark

Theory

It is believed that all of us in the United States (as well as other countries) have been systematically trained to be competitive. This is partly a result of this country's ethos of individualism and our strong beliefs in a free market and a competitive economic system. While this training prepares us well for competitive job and business markets, it leaves us with handicaps in establishing cooperative interpersonal relationships and achieving intimacy. Below I'll describe assumptions and characteristics of competitive and cooperative relationships as well as a set of practices, which increase cooperation and clarify communication.

Competition is based on the notion of scarcity; there is not enough to go around. Competitive relationships are characterized by; Power Plays, Rescues and Secrets and Lies.

A Power Play is an attempt to take something from another that they don't want to give up or haven't yet decided to give up. Power Plays can occur from a one‑up or one‑down position. In the one-­up position we simply force another to give us something. In the one‑down position we act so miserable for so long that the other feels guilty and gives us what we want.

A Rescue is an attempt to give to or do for another something they haven't asked for or can do for themselves. Rescuers have a compulsive nature to them ‑ they are so ingrained that we often aren't aware we are doing them. One test to determine whether we are responding to an expressed need or if we are rescuing is to ask, if we are giving something we want for ourselves. Other tests include; Are we doing more than our share? Are we doing something, for someone that they can do for themselves, or that they haven't asked for?

An example of rescuing that happens in process groups (workshop group therapy) is when a group member is on the verge of tears and another moves quickly to comfort them (and interrupt the tears). The rescuer in this case has sadness and does not want to feel it so they interrupt the display of sadness in order to avoid their own, thus giving another what they want for themselves. In addictive dysfunctional systems, rescuing is a form of enabling.

Secrets and Lies can take the form of outright lies, half‑truths, talking around an issue, or giving only part of the data. Secrets and Lies are considered competitive, not because of moral reasons, but because they are "crazy‑makers." All of us have intuition; a sense about other people, about what they're not saying, or about what they may be feeling. If another person distorts the truth or holds a secret, we get an intuition about this, and we begin to create various fantasies about the person and what they're thinking or meaning. Our fantasies are almost always more "far out" than the reality. If we check out with the person what they meant and if they continue to distort, we are invited to discount our own thinking and intuition ‑ one form of "craziness". (Often when people hear this they assume we are demanding that they tell everything right now, which is scary. We only ask that, if asked, the person say "I don't want to talk about that" or "I won't tell you right now.")

Cooperation is based on a different set of assumptions. One assumption is that there is no scarcity‑ there is enough! When it comes to relationships we assume that there is enough of what makes relationships work: time, energy and strokes. A second assumption is that each person's needs and wants have equal value: if someone else gets something, it doesn't mean that I won't. It is not a question of if, but of how and when. The third assumption, and, in our culture, perhaps the most difficult to accept, is that each person is 100% responsible for getting what they want and need. Each person is competent to ask for what they want.

Practice/Structure

To increase cooperation (and reduce competition) a set of techniques has been devised. These techniques have been shown to, over time, decrease or eliminate competitive maneuvers (Power Plays, Rescues and Secrets and Lies). They are the open sharing of resentments, checking out fantasies, and the full utilization of strokes, both positive and negative.

Because these procedures are foreign to everyday relating they take practice to learn and often feel mechanical and cumbersome at first. The sharing of resentments and fantasies have a specific structure which is to be followed to increase psychological safety and eliminate game playing.

When you decide to share a resentment, the first step is to ask if the other person will hear it. If they say yes, you describe their behavior and tell them how you felt when they did X. The benefit of sharing resentments is for the holder ‑ not the receiver. The person who had heard the resentment merely acknowledges that they have heard it. This is often difficult to do because the trained response is to try and explain of offer information. Any attempt at explaining is likely to end up being a rescue or a discount.

If the person says they don't want to hear the resentment, then the person with the resentment is left to discharge their anger in some other way. Also, a "no" is not forever. Perhaps later, the person will hear the resentment.

When a person has an intuition (a fantasy) there is also a structure to follow. First, ask the person if they'll respond to your fantasy. Then share the fantasy. The responder tells what part is true or accurate and what part isn't. Almost all fantasies have some grain of truth. At a recent workshop that was running late, I asked the leader when we would finish. She later checked out her fantasy that I was bored (the part untrue) The grain of truth was that I did want the workshop to end because I was exhausted (we had been in meetings ten hours that day).

There are at least 5 ways strokes can be utilized, we can offer strokes, receive strokes (take in), refuse strokes, stroke ourselves, and ask for strokes. Interestingly enough, most people have difficulty taking in and stroking themselves, perhaps this is because we have so many prescriptions against taking in or stroking ourselves, such as "you'll get conceited, it isn't nice to brag", etc.

When people agree to follow the cooperative contract, in other words, contract to follow the cooperative procedures, they are agreeing to do certain things. These are: 1) to use energy to not Rescue or to check out with themselves if they are rescuing, 2) to directly ask for what they want rather than Power Play, 3) to tell others when they don't want to answer a question and, 4) to take full responsibility for getting their needs met.

 

The Cooperative Contract was developed by Claude Steiner and Hogie Wycaff.
The above description is a revision used by Mark Wise and Jo Bowens Lewis at the Center for Cooperative Change.