In its most basic form, communicating cooperatively means that you...
What is cooperative communication?
ask
Using Cooperative Communication almost always begins with a question: “may I ask you something?” or “may I tell you something?” In TA, this is called “contracting”. You are agreeing to have a conversation about something before you get into the details of what you want to ask or say.
Asking questions shows a desire to learn about and from the other person. It is an invitation for the other person to share. Some people really need this invitation before they are willing to share something personal about themselves. And asking the other person if you may share something about yourself is important, because it helps you know that they want to, and are ready to, hear what you have to say.
listen
Listening means hearing and accepting what the other person says, without trying to tell them that they are wrong or misguided or unrealistic or …
share feelings and thoughts
We make a big distinction between feelings (also called emotions) and thoughts. There are many models of feelings; here is the one we use (Understanding Our Feelings) Thoughts are opinions, beliefs, and information.
In this photo, you might think that the two people on the couch are lovers, but actually, they are simply friends holding each other after having shared their feelings about painful situations their children are going through.
In the foreground of this photo, you can see two people smiling and listening to each other after sharing some joyful experiences about their work. They, too, are sharing feelings.
say what you don’t want
You could also call this setting boundaries and protecting yourself. Although it might seem like a paradox, we believe that saying what you don’t want is the first step to getting closer to someone – as long as the other person accepts your “no”.
say what you want
Knowing and then saying what you want is the first step to getting your needs met. There are lots of things that you might want: to say something about yourself, to be listened to, that someone cooks for you, to be held and touched...
appreciate each other
Appreciating can be verbal or non-verbal. It is noticing and communicating what you admire or like in others. It can be as simple as listening, smiling or laughing with joy at what someone says. Or it can be a direct comment about to someone, telling them what you appreciate. In our group meetings, we always end with time for sharing appreciations of each other. (Appreciating Myself and Others)
To read more about the challenges in these “simple” steps of Cooperative Communication, look at “Why is Cooperative Communication Sometimes Challenging?”
To get a sense of what competition in communication looks like, you might want to read “Cooperative and Competitive Communication”.
To see a flow chart and some dialogues that demonstrate Cooperative Communication and competitive styles of communicating, go to “How?”.